Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by, Diane Langness. On this episode, Diane shares how joining the military gave her confidence and how you can have more confidence in your life.
Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by, Diane Langness. On this episode, Diane shares how joining the military gave her confidence and how you can have more confidence in your life.
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Voiceover: 00:00 In 2013 Kat Bonner lost her mom in a tragic car accident. She figured out how to manage her grief and is helping other women do the same. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their moms and discover the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode. Subscribe today. More information can be found at KatBonner.com/Podcast and if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women had to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Lastly, if you're looking for help managing your grief book a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com.
Kat 00:48 So before we get started with the episode, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure you've heard multiple times that grief is an individual process. Well, the people you heard this from aren't wrong because it very much so is you're probably wondering how can someone help me when they grieve differently than I do? That's why I'm so passionate about one on one coaching that is totally customized to you and your pain points. I let you guide me to ways I can help you. I can only take on three clients at a time. So the spots are limited. I'd love for you to tell me how I can help you in your grief journey.
Kat 01:36 Oh, I'm so glad you're here. I just like to start off each episode with every person sharing just whatever they want about the loss of their moms. So whenever you are ready.
Diane 01:47 Okay. I like to share the story about the last of my mom to let people know they aren't alone. My mom died by the time I was two years old due to suicide. A lot of people, you know, you get the message, don't talk about that from your family, but I think it's important to talk about it so you know, you're not alone. It, it was, things really didn't get much better after that. I don't think my dad knew what to do with two little girls, so we were pawned off various relatives, you know. There were other challenges. I had to figure out what happened to my mom. So I go was kind of a super, cause nobody would tell me anything that I found these new paper articles cause it was in the front page. I kinda gathered that it was like an accidental suicide.
Diane 02:55 She was gonna kill herself, threw down the gun, went off in her abdomen. She kept saying it was an accident that when she got, she died like within a day and she used another thing. She used my father's rifle and sure. So that's kind of brought up issues too. It wasn't really a safe household, but I understand my dad was going through stuff that he had no idea. He was a World War Two vet at Norman B. He had lost his wife to suicide. So I'm sure he had no idea. And back then you're supposed to be strong man, not let anything bother you here. But my dad remarried but they were both alcoholics. So it was kind of a pio. My stepmom ended up being shot in the foot and we ended up going to another relative for awhile. I still haven't figured out the details of that, but yeah, it won't.
Diane 04:08 It wasn't good. But they were do forced. By the time I was in seventh grade and my sister and I were basically left to raise ourselves. My dad worked at a town during the week actually. That was almost, that was really a relief, you know, so everything went to school. We had like jobs summer, afterschool. Then we just went on my sister married at a young age, probably just to escape to, I moved out right the day after I graduated high school. I came back about two months. I wasn't, I had no idea, but by the time I was 20, I left for good and I would move to a town where there were a lot of military people and I joined the army. I thought, well, that might not be so bad. I saw a lot of women in military uniform and I think that gave me some of the first confidence I ever had.
Diane 05:21 So it, oh, you said the military uniform. That's super interesting to me. Can you like just kind of say how that gave you like more confidence I guess. I guess I gave us a real job and it was kind of fun to go through the basic training and people would root you on when you are like doing some of that ptx exercises then I don't think I ever had that happen. And they gave you a real job, you know, not like, I mean not that are like Donald's stash food isn't a real job, but you know we were like managing an office so I completed my free three years. There were supportive sergeants there. That helps out too. But I was painfully shy when I grew up. I had a few friends I really didn't want to like I had much support. I had a couple of maternal aunts that were really nice.
Diane 06:29 They lived at a town show. My sister, I think she found support through like friends and her friend's parents. They took me under her wing, so I'm sure she still has probably, she just really wouldn't talk about it. Oh, she didn't even know that details on my mom's shoe aside till like 10, 15 years. Like whoa. When I sent her copies of articles and she was kind of surprised. But I, I don't know if she fared well, how her mental state is, but it does, it has caused problems if you know too many of us, especially ones who lost their parents to suicide. A lot of us have problems here while sharing. Yes. Which has sad, you know, but some of us have a lot of us I doing well. I'm amazed that how many are accomplish in that. I went to the mother less daughters. You luncheon in Los Angeles 2014 and I was, I was impressed by what I saw, like a room through pool level motherless daughters and it was great. I think I started cutting to healing more after that.
Kat 08:04 Yeah. It's like almost like an actual realization where you know, you're not alone and it's like, you know, deep down I know this, but when I get that like clarification, you're like, okay, this is so much better. And this is a really random thought. But I just posted like a poll on my Facebook story about it. But do you call yourself like a motherless daughter? Because I want to know what like women who've lost a mom, like refer to themselves as
Diane 08:35 I think I do. Yes. Especially after hope Edelman spoke on that are the same title mother Russ Daughters. But
Kat 08:43 Yeah, and I wish, I'm like, oh my God, I want to talk to her. Like I want to hear like how she like cultivated that phrase. I mean I think it's great, but if you look at some, and like those motherless daughters like Facebook groups or whatever, like some people are in there and they've been like abandoned and I'm like, well, you know, like I like my heartbreaks for you. But like, you know, this podcast isn't for people who have been abandoned by their mom. So I pretty much, I like tried to be very like clear. Like, okay, like who this is for. So I'm just like, this is for women that have lost a mom or that whose mom is like no longer living. I try not to be so negative, obviously about it. I'm not gonna be like daughters with lost mothers, but that way there's no confusion. But thank you for sharing your story. I'm curious, is your sister older than you? You said you were too. I'm sure.
Diane 09:46 So about a year and 10 months. I used to try to get her to talk about her, but she, I just got the message. Don't talk.
Kat 09:56 Yeah, I mean everybody grieves differently but it's good that you at least tried, you know,
Diane 10:01 Find out later that she actually only had like two memories. It's not that she didn't have much to remember.
Kat 10:11 Yeah, it's probably not much good is what are you really going to talk about if neither one of y'all, you know, y'all are both at the age where like you probably don't remember much, which is sad, but it's almost to the point where like I wouldn't expect you or your sister or anybody for that matter to lost their mom at such a young age to really talk about it if they don't remember because they just might not remember. I mean that's just kind of the nature of the BSU now. So I'm curious, you mentioned, you know, lack of confidence in growing up shy. Can you tell me more about that?
Diane 10:47 Yes. I don't, I feel when I grew up without a mom, I basically, I lost my greatest cheerleader because you think that a mom would be encouraging? I'm sure in all cases it's not like that of course. But I went to school, very few friends, maybe a couple. And I, I think I read for escape that Cannibal, I just stayed by myself. My sister had friends that she would go over to. I would go over with her for a while, but I know I was probably like so little sister following her, wrapped her around him. I'm sure it wasn't something she wanted, but she found an outlet, like cheering the eating and stuff from friends, but we were pretty deferent and that I wasn't really interested in that. I guess I just kind of stayed by myself, I guess.
Kat 11:58 Yeah. So [inaudible] thing, it seems like, you know, just going back to a, a lot of people don't lose their mom until they're well into their life. Like, I'm just gonna throw out an age like it's expected to lose a parent when you're in your forties or 50s it's not expected for you to lose your parent when you're fucking two. So do you think that that's Kinda, it was just like a sense of like loneliness basically. Like
Diane 12:30 I think I had some depression too, and that my mom, I think she was so barely depressed looking at her pictures, but I realize it's not that new thing being a mother slash daughter. I had like an aunt that lost her mom at a young age and the stepmom had lost her mom at a young age. But you know, it's basically a mom is the most basic thing year we're supposed to have, you know, in our life. And if that basic person isn't there, it's bound to affect your lie.
Kat 13:10 Yeah. Well, so I'm curious, was it, do you think it was more of like, not like you were alone? I think I completely phrased that incorrectly, but do you think that like the lack of confidence kind of came from the fact that you didn't know anyone who had lost a mom at that young of an age?
Diane 13:30 No, I think it was basically, I didn't feel good about myself. I knew I was smart and I looked okay, but I, no one told me, Oh, you do that. So well actually I'm, one of my aunts was very nice, but she lived in another town, but she did what she could. But really not too many people tried to help, at least on the deeper leveling. Might I help with slight task in that? Like if we had had an action plan and had to go into the doctor somewhat, there'd be an aunt or uncle to take a stroke. It wasn't, we weren't connected at a deeper level, so we, we were kind of left to manage it by our shells. Amazingly I'm, I'm made it through it. I think if some people knew I, I guess I could have had a lot different life if I didn't leave that town too. You know, cause a lot of bad memories. I just wanted to get away.
Kat 14:44 Yeah. Some people get back to their hometown, which might work for them. But personally the best decision I ever for myself to get the heck out of my home town. But do you think that like, I guess the lack of confidence, do you think it came from the loss of your mom or the fact that your mom took her own life? No
Diane 15:06 Things that bothered me personally. You know, I went to different things at times I glamorized it cause she had hear about, I'll leave like camming way Maryland Morrow who took their lives, she'll be a class and you know, he thought it was kind of a glamorous thing. But it is other times I think I fantasize that she was still around but out there. But I went to different phases. I don't think it bothered me. I felt that just her circumstances were kind of tough. She w they weren't Catholic too when she was very Catholic. I think she felt she could leave. I just felt like I kind of had a negative connotation for the church in some ways, like counting courage, self sacrifice. So sacrifice.
Diane 16:12 I just wasn't comfortable with that. It was never hidden from me that it was a suicide, but the details they didn't talk to me about. I did have an uncle that didn't try to talk to me at one time, but by then I already knew the details. But I know he at least tried to open the conversation, but it was too late. But I think too, it was just not happening. Arrangement of someone, you know, growing up. And I would urge people to find somebody to support, you know, support them, whether it's relative friends, parents, school counselor. If you experienced that loss, I think sometimes we have to seek support outside the home.
Kat 17:05 Oh yeah, absolutely that. Yeah. I mean I could go on and on about that, but death changes people. Yeah the, so people literally physically living with you when you're both dealing with this doesn't always work out for the best unfortunately. But that's okay. There's other resources. So true. Like to me this like lack of confidence was really like, you know, kind of immediate after your mom passed.
Diane 17:36 Yeah. Yes. That's the way I always felt I was just there and that I had to go along with my sister basically tried to follow her if I was just there and not really much inter action with people who were taking care of us. I guess I did like my mom's relatives because closest as I can get to my mom's so that, that was always comforting and they were pretty nice too. So I was fortunate that we were allowed to have that contact because other people aren't. Yeah,
Kat 18:22 Absolutely. So do you think that like I guess when did you really start to cope with this lack of confidence? Like probably just when you know you were older or is there like a certain age?
Diane 18:37 I did get some counseling when I was like, after probably close to 19. I don't know if it helped a whole bunch, but at least I had somebody to talk to. She was very supportive. I did get in a nursing program, but I ha I dropped out because I wasn't calm. I didn't feel comfortable with people. I guess I, I, cause I have no self confidence now I'm OK. But the military, it took awhile to get that confidence. But once I got out, you know, I, I did feel I had some confidence. I did some things on my own reading and did artwork, but, you know, I, I did not get much encouragement or anything, but I would urge people to encourage themselves to that his safe supporting things. I can do this. I am so talented and clever, but just be kind to yourself.
Kat 19:54 Yeah, absolutely. So is there any other way that I guess you coped with, you know, that lack of competence other than, you know, going to get help? Like, did you notice, you know, maybe any changes in your life? Something, I guess more about like the coping process?
Diane 20:14 Well, I think I should read a lot of positives and that help positive self help. I think I gradually just started changing there after the military. I had some not so good friends in high school that were getting in trouble. Well luckily I was pretty shy so otherwise I probably wouldn't have been in trouble. This was in the 70s so if you can imagine. Yeah. Luckily I kinda grew out of that and found that snap that way, you know, I just didn't make me feel good and that, yeah, it was a small panel for me. And sometimes when you lose a parent when you don't feel loved, do you seek Calum outsiders? Sometimes you just be with somebody just because you think you're going to be alone. Yes. Physical relationship is 11. I've heard of other people, one other girl that coped in that weight too.
Kat 21:35 Yeah. That's interesting. So do you think that like, do you think that like you, I guess you still struggle with that lack of competence? I mean, obviously you know you're going to be grieving for the rest of your life. But do you think now like overall it's better
Diane 21:53 At times? I do have my struggles too for most of the time I'm pretty functional, but I think I still have that underlying depression, but I do my best to work on it by whatever, reading, listening to podcasts. But at times, you know, I get email my challenges like any of us.
Kat 22:29 Yeah, absolutely. So I'm curious when you read like I love self help books and I think they're great, but I mean they obviously can't hurt you. They are intended to help you. But I'm, if you read like I guess like grief books on like the regular, just notice I find myself written when I really need to. And I guess it's just something different between like, like podcast and audio, that sort of thing. Like ted talks like of mindless in the sense that you can be listening to them while you're folding laundry rather than eating. You actually have to be physically sitting there reading it with your eyeballs and you can't do anything else. Oh yeah, I guess you like better the question. Do you read like grief books just kind of as you need them?
Diane 23:31 I think I routinely read them, you know, cause I mostly read nonfiction by small seat by no, I like to learn whether it's about something that improves my life to make decisions. I had a challenge when I became a single mom. I was really paralyzed to make a decision and to learn how to make these decisions. I actually got a book at and it did help. But I just screed mostly encouraging stuff that teaches me another way to look at things. I was also in like, they had a, for a brave girls club where they had like inspirational activities for like building yourself up. And that helped. But I'm not really an artist, so, but I tried different things, different like gross. He never a Shitty, that kind of helped you come up with ideas to improve your life. All right. Red Mother [inaudible] that not really all on three, but just to find other people's stories so I can relate to them I guess. But I kinda change my way of talking to my show. I read a little bit on the cognitive therapy and that helps self talk.
Kat 25:12 Yeah, it's interesting. Well, so if somebody, if there was not somebody, if there was, you know, a woman who had just lost her mom and she came to you, she was like, Hey Diane, I struggle a lot with the lack of competence. What advice would you give to her? Or what would you tell her?
Diane 25:31 Which say number one, be kind to yourself. If you don't hear nice things from each other, tell em to your show. I would also seek out, you know, other encouraging positive figures and your why to do something that makes you feel good about yourself and hope it may be a passion. If you're an artist, if you like to sing, sing, dance, dance, or if you're interested in sports, you know, that can be an outlet. But I would try to find that outlet that you just don't give up. I would say tomorrow's always another day. Each tiny step we take improves our lives. That's what I'm finding. Sometimes I'm shocked at how, you know, even the little tiniest step can help things change in an instant. So just cause you're feeling bad today doesn't mean is not going to be bad.
Kat 26:45 Yeah, no, you're exactly right. And I love how you mentioned the whole like passion and hobby thing. I mean they can be a little bit hard to like rediscover sometimes you know, after your mom dies, but once you rediscover that, they're literally so, so, so important for your healing process and just finding your outlet. And I think that some people neglect that and it's really sad. I'm like, I just want to know, like, I just want to help you find that outlet and that creativity because most people, not most people, I don't want to, you know, singling out y'all people, once you realize that like there are so many other ways to express these feelings, then you're like, oh my God, like I, you know, can get through this and are really, I think just puts your grief into perspective. Is there anything else that you want to leave with the listeners? Just about grief or mother loss in general?
Diane 27:55 Just say it can be overcome it. You know, we just lived through it. We'll always miss that person but I would say remember that you know, your mom is inside of me. She's a part of us. She, you know, she's always there. No we don't, we might not think so. I would just keep on working on your life cause it's okay. You're per you were. We all have our, our good stuff inside and we can make our life try to improve our life and hopefully it gets better and things change how we'll think about it.
Kat 28:42 Yeah. That's all. Thank you so much for sharing my posture and for being on the show.
Diane 28:52 Thank you. It's my pleasure. I am honored.
Kat 28:55 Hey friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Before you go, I have four favors to ask you. First I wanted to let you know that I host a group for women where we share our day to day stories, challenges and victories. If you want to come along for the ride, head to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Second, if you don't mind leaving me a review and telling me how I've helped you in your grief journey, I would greatly appreciate it. Third, had to KatBonner.com/podcast to access previous episodes and subscribe for episodes in the future. Finally had to KatBonner.com to schedule a complimentary connection call with me. I'd love to know more about your grief journey. Always remember that despite losing our mothers, we have flourishing futures.
Voiceover: 29:47 This has been an OutsourceYourPodcast.com production.